Monday, March 17, 2008

The Story Of Chicken Little Republican

Gather round, "conservative" children - and enjoy my adaptation of this Aesop Fable classic:

CHICKEN LITTLE REPUBLICAN

What was once a peaceful barnyard turned into chaos, when a little busybody named Chicken Little Republican moved into the coop. Chicken Little Republican had no life or hobbies, so he was always starting up shit with the rest of the animals.

It was bad enough that Foxy Loxy was in the area, and everyone was trying to build a fence to keep him out.

Everyone, except Chicken Little Republican. He had an imaginary friend (a talking pig, or something), that "spoke to him", and told him "other things" were more important. Chicken Little Republican also believed that everyone in the barnyard should focus on the "important issues" which his imaginary friend told him to do.

The first issue that Chicken Little Republican raised hell about was "Henny Penny and the other chickens are having abortions", because they had not been laying as many eggs lately.

Because the animals in the barnyard were stupid, Chicken Little Republican informed everyone all about abortions, and had everyone convinced that the hens were, in fact, having abortions.

Then Henny Penny and the other chickens became social outcasts in the barnyard.

What Chicken Little Republican didn't tell them was chickens lay less eggs towards the end of the year, along with daylight savings time - and the current season was fall.

That night, Foxy Loxy easily walked into the barnyard, because everyone was focusing on the hens having "abortions", and they didn't finish the fence to keep him out. Foxy sneaked into a coop, disemboweled Turkey Lurkey, and dragged his dead body to his den.

The next issue that Chicken Little Republican brought up, quite loudly, was his accusation that Ducky Lucky and Cocky Locky were "homosexuals", because they both napped on the same hay stack in the barn.

Again, Chicken Little Republican made up his story as he went along, as he informed the other stupid animals about their horrifying "homosexual relationship" - a relationship so demonic, it could make his imaginary talking pig friend annihilate the entire farm!

This scared everyone in the barnyard, so they turned against Ducky and Cocky, and they became outcasts too.

That night, Foxy Loxy again sneaked into the barnyard, scared Holey Moley into a fatal heart attack, and dragged his body off to his den. Unfortunately the fence was still not yet complete, because the animals were focusing on "homosexuals".

This continued for a long time - Chicken Little Republican accused Goosey Loosey of "being into golden showers", and felt it was very necessary to inform everyone in the barnyard all about animals pissing on each other for pleasure.


This again scared the barnyard, and Goosey joined the outcasts.

It didn't take long at all, before pretty much EVERYONE in the barnyard were social outcasts, except for self-righteous Chicken Little Republican, himself.


That night, everyone in the barnyard teamed up, and knocked Chicken Little Republican the fuck out, totally unconscious.

While he was out, the animals tied Chicken Little Republican to a flagpole in the center of the barnyard, but Cocky Locky didn't think that was quite good enough. So he ran into his coop, returned with paper and a bow, and they gift wrapped the little busybody son-of-a-bitch.

The next morning, by the flagpole, the animals discovered nothing but feathers, a dildo, and also a copy of Trans-sexual Chicks magazine, which both apparently belonged to Chicken Little Republican, and fell out of his pocket as Foxy Loxy was dragging him off to his den.

That day, the animals finished building their fence, and never heard from Foxy, and even better, Chicken Little Republican, ever again. They had better things to focus on, and stupid hysterical busybody shit wasn't one of them.

THE END

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