From WhySocietyIsDumb.....
"People are actually screaming in horror over a statue. Not laughing hysterically. SCREAMING!
St. George Statue Falls and is Beheaded in Church Amid Screams when some old guys can't hold it up much longer."
******************
And for those of you who can't get enough of the destruction, here's my own short remix: the "one smash isn't good enough" version! LOL
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Smalltown Church Stories I
(another one from the original blog, similar to the Pentecostal Zombies trilogy - I'll have to someday soon continue this "series"):
SMALLTOWN CHURCH STORIES 1
From birth to high school graduation, I attended a smalltown baptist church, in which a good majority of my family also were members. There's so many things to tell about that little holy house of hypocrisy - the backstabbing and talking about other members behind their backs, among other things.
One young member, Kristin, who was a year younger than myself, was her mother's church talent puppet. Every few weeks, Kristin was forced to bring up her boom box to the front podium, and share her "talent" with the congregation. This went on for as long as I known the girl to be a church member; over a decade. And what a torturous decade it was......
There was only one problem: Kristin couldn't sing, to save her life. I'm not poking fun or being unnecessarily mean - the girl sounded like a dying vulture. Not a single note was in tune, or as Simon Cowell would say, "it was all over the place". Even William Hung was more tolerable, and I'm being dead serious.
The best description of her "singing style" is it sounded like she was reading the lyrics aloud as the instrumental music played along, with a nervous, scratchy and unsure voice.
When our pastor would randomly surprise us with the news of a performance on a Sunday, it was like the entire congregation who heard Kristin sing before had to brace themselves. When the music started and Kristin began her hoarse speak-singing, everyone was either stiff as a board, were sliding down in the pews, were covering their faces to hide their expressions, or were totally jaw-on-floor with horrified looks on their faces.
Many church visitors who showed up for one of her many, many performances never came back - and I don't blame them.
One Sunday, Kristin (or should I say her zombie homely Crystal Gayle with no makeup mother) selected the tune "Silver And Gold" by Dolly Parton (not the song from the popular Rudolph movie). It's a performance even my brother remembers quite well and reminds me of from time to time, complete with an impersonation.
Her singing sounded like something had been shot, and was dying of agony.
I tried everything to get her ghastly wailing voice out of my head - from laying down in the pew and closing my eyes, to thinking of dead kittens and other horrible things, to keep from laughing.
With her grand finale of screeching "siiiiiiilveeeeeer aaaand goooooooolllld", I just totally lost it and burst out laughing. I was so embarrassed that I had to step outside and get some fresh air.
It's no surprise that Kristin packed her shit and fled from home the moment she was legally old enough to leave. I felt sorry for the girl, because she knew she couldn't sing, but was pretty much forced to perform anyway.
Had she lip-synced or something, it may have been a different story.
More smalltown church stories later..........
SMALLTOWN CHURCH STORIES 1
From birth to high school graduation, I attended a smalltown baptist church, in which a good majority of my family also were members. There's so many things to tell about that little holy house of hypocrisy - the backstabbing and talking about other members behind their backs, among other things.
One young member, Kristin, who was a year younger than myself, was her mother's church talent puppet. Every few weeks, Kristin was forced to bring up her boom box to the front podium, and share her "talent" with the congregation. This went on for as long as I known the girl to be a church member; over a decade. And what a torturous decade it was......
There was only one problem: Kristin couldn't sing, to save her life. I'm not poking fun or being unnecessarily mean - the girl sounded like a dying vulture. Not a single note was in tune, or as Simon Cowell would say, "it was all over the place". Even William Hung was more tolerable, and I'm being dead serious.
The best description of her "singing style" is it sounded like she was reading the lyrics aloud as the instrumental music played along, with a nervous, scratchy and unsure voice.
When our pastor would randomly surprise us with the news of a performance on a Sunday, it was like the entire congregation who heard Kristin sing before had to brace themselves. When the music started and Kristin began her hoarse speak-singing, everyone was either stiff as a board, were sliding down in the pews, were covering their faces to hide their expressions, or were totally jaw-on-floor with horrified looks on their faces.
Many church visitors who showed up for one of her many, many performances never came back - and I don't blame them.
One Sunday, Kristin (or should I say her zombie homely Crystal Gayle with no makeup mother) selected the tune "Silver And Gold" by Dolly Parton (not the song from the popular Rudolph movie). It's a performance even my brother remembers quite well and reminds me of from time to time, complete with an impersonation.
Her singing sounded like something had been shot, and was dying of agony.
I tried everything to get her ghastly wailing voice out of my head - from laying down in the pew and closing my eyes, to thinking of dead kittens and other horrible things, to keep from laughing.
With her grand finale of screeching "siiiiiiilveeeeeer aaaand goooooooolllld", I just totally lost it and burst out laughing. I was so embarrassed that I had to step outside and get some fresh air.
It's no surprise that Kristin packed her shit and fled from home the moment she was legally old enough to leave. I felt sorry for the girl, because she knew she couldn't sing, but was pretty much forced to perform anyway.
Had she lip-synced or something, it may have been a different story.
More smalltown church stories later..........
What Hell Is REALLY Like
(Here's an old favorite of mine from the original blog.....)
I think it's a good thing that people like Falwell, Chambers, Santorum, Harp, Wildmon, Bennett, Dobson, and these other wastes of flesh have hijacked and claimed Christianity for their own lunatic selves, with their own loony versions of Christianity; and they use it to chase people out of churches everywhere.
I hope this continues, because the loonier they get, the more people who will leave their nutty churches and seek alternate forms of religion and spirituality, or forget religion entirely. It's already happening, and Christianity will eventually become a minority - it's the reason why these nutballs are organizing more and getting louder and crazier (as if that's helping matters any).
These people go around screeching and telling 95% of the people they meet "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!", cursing them with fire and brimstone, no drop of water to cool their tongue, and all this other fucked up shit that could only be made up on an acid trip - which is pretty much spot-on, since most of these guys are obviously on some serious meds.
If you want to get people scared of going to hell (which doesn't exist, by the way), you need to REALLY scare them.
I personally don't believe in hell, but if I did, it would have nothing to do with fire, lava, screaming demons, Satan, and all these other doped-up crock of shit scare tactics.
To me, hell would be like.....
The only music available is country. And not just ANY country music - I'm talking about cousin-fucking redneck anthems like "Chatahoochee", "Watermelon Crawl", "Boot Scootin Boogie", "Achy Breaky Heart", "Strawberry Wine" and the complete Randy Travis catalog.
The only food is brussels sprouts.
The only alcohol is that cheap $6 Puerto Rican rum that'll give you a major fucking hangover the next day.
The only weed is shitty 5 year old stale shake, that won't even give you a buzz!
The only shows on TV are Friends, Wonder Years, Full House, and America's Funniest People (when Dave Coulier was the co-host).
The only movie playing is Brokeback Mountain.
All of the men are caucasian.
Now THAT'S scary!!!!!
The list goes on. I would much rather die and be bug food (the reality of death, and all that happens to you AFTER death) than have to put up with THAT bullshit!
Fuck that! And fuck hell!
I think it's a good thing that people like Falwell, Chambers, Santorum, Harp, Wildmon, Bennett, Dobson, and these other wastes of flesh have hijacked and claimed Christianity for their own lunatic selves, with their own loony versions of Christianity; and they use it to chase people out of churches everywhere.
I hope this continues, because the loonier they get, the more people who will leave their nutty churches and seek alternate forms of religion and spirituality, or forget religion entirely. It's already happening, and Christianity will eventually become a minority - it's the reason why these nutballs are organizing more and getting louder and crazier (as if that's helping matters any).
These people go around screeching and telling 95% of the people they meet "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!", cursing them with fire and brimstone, no drop of water to cool their tongue, and all this other fucked up shit that could only be made up on an acid trip - which is pretty much spot-on, since most of these guys are obviously on some serious meds.
If you want to get people scared of going to hell (which doesn't exist, by the way), you need to REALLY scare them.
I personally don't believe in hell, but if I did, it would have nothing to do with fire, lava, screaming demons, Satan, and all these other doped-up crock of shit scare tactics.
To me, hell would be like.....
The only music available is country. And not just ANY country music - I'm talking about cousin-fucking redneck anthems like "Chatahoochee", "Watermelon Crawl", "Boot Scootin Boogie", "Achy Breaky Heart", "Strawberry Wine" and the complete Randy Travis catalog.
The only food is brussels sprouts.
The only alcohol is that cheap $6 Puerto Rican rum that'll give you a major fucking hangover the next day.
The only weed is shitty 5 year old stale shake, that won't even give you a buzz!
The only shows on TV are Friends, Wonder Years, Full House, and America's Funniest People (when Dave Coulier was the co-host).
The only movie playing is Brokeback Mountain.
All of the men are caucasian.
Now THAT'S scary!!!!!
The list goes on. I would much rather die and be bug food (the reality of death, and all that happens to you AFTER death) than have to put up with THAT bullshit!
Fuck that! And fuck hell!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Speaking In Tongues: Kook VS. Scott + Star Parker Rant
I really try to avoid getting into the back-and-forth arguing and insulting with "christian" extremists out there in cyberland; especially those particular idiots harassing people on YouTube (when they should just migrate over to ripoff GodTube, where they belong). It's a waste of their time trying to re-indoctrinate/scare me, and it's a waste of my time, period.
But there's always the rare exception though, when I'm in the mood to get into some fuckery. This one just had too much potential kookery to refuse and leave alone.....
Here's my original comment on a YouTube clip of pentecostals speaking in tongues (which kinda freaked me out, by the way - and I HAD to give my 2 cents):
"If somebody starts speaking in tongues around me, I look at them like they're crazy.....because they are."
And then I get the following reply this morning, from an obvious "kool-aid" drinker:
"You need Jesus!!!"
You know I just couldn't pass this crazy shit up, and I hads to stir it:
"Uh, no. However I DO need Jesús, because he's pretty hot.
Like the tongue-speakers, you need to keep your snake-handling cult hands off me. Go roll around on the floor, kicking and screaming "being slain in the spirit", or something."
Next, he gets all high & mighty with the bitch of this here journal:
"Jesus is the Answer me freind Go and Seek Him!!! And Stop Your Nonsense!!! I have no time to Argue with IGnorance"
Why not? I'm having a fun time arguing with YOUR ignorance ;) Better than TV!
"Now you know how the entire country feels about you guys. Sorry to hear people are fleeing from you and your kookery like wildfire. I'm one of them, don't hold your breath on me coming back. You guys are too fucked up for me (and any sane person for that matter)."
It's obvious this is one of those nuts with a "God complex" - kinda like our current president, Sir Chimp-A-Lot.
"It dont matters what the Country thinks about the Body of Christ is what the Lord thinks!!! And I dont really concern if You want to stay out because it is about your own choice: it is u who will answer to Jesus on the DAy of Judgement Not me!! And Only Jesus can Solve your Problem Me brother!!! THOSE PEOPLE WHO REFUSE GOD WILL HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD!!!"
At this point, it gets too nutty, even for me. The typos, the "all-caps" hollering. Wanna bet his psycho eyes were rolling into the back of his head while he was typing? It was good fun getting his holy-rolling self all kooked up though.
And for his information, the country doesn't have a problem with the "body of Christ". The problem is with his nutty bunch of followers and abusers of The Bible, also known as modern-day pharisees. "Christian" kooks, to be exact - and FAR from anything having to do with the "body of Christ".
It's true that I was raised Christian/Southern Baptist, but have been agnostic for over a decade - and I'm quite happy that way. Besides, church is boring - I'd rather sleep in on Sundays, and to hell with whatever The Bible thinks about that.
Plus it's my opinion that church is nothing more than a political house of hatred (especially in this day and age); a gossipy hen-house of closeted homosexuals with nazi intentions for openly gay people, swindlers and crooks, guilty adulterers, pedophiles, and miserable women who needs to put some dick in their lives.
It's also true that I own a copy of The Bible, given to me from my late aunt Gina (held onto for sentimental reasons, more than anything - since she signed a note inside of the cover, to me). That book is stored away somewhere, along with stuff I haven't looked at since probably high school. Any other bibles that makes its way into this house is to become future rolling papers, and nothing else.
One thing I want to make clear is I have absolutely no problems with Christianity, religion in general, nor that nappy-haired hippie named Jesus. If these things brings you contentment, gives you hope or inspiration, or makes your life more livable, then more power to you. For me, it's useless - just like Kevin Federline's "rapping" talent. I've got better extracurricular activities to be enjoying in this short life.
The PROBLEM is the "christian" (in name only) nutballs using The Bible and Christianity to control, intimidate, bully, harm, kill, degrade, and otherwise fuck with people. They've hijacked the church, chasing off the REAL Christians, and anyone else who believes homeless and less fortunate people/families/single mothers with no food, and other important issues in this country is more of a priority than what homosexuals do in their own bedrooms.
What's more, is these kooks yap the tired "hate the sin, love the sinner" line, yet they bully the Christians who are friendly to gays or accepts a gay person in their family, by informing them that "they aren't real Christians" - all because they aren't mistreating and acting holier-than-thou towards the gay person.
As much as I like the REAL Christians out there, they don't have the balls to stand up to these kooks and say "what fucking bible are YOU reading from, anyway?", and send them off to start their own nazi groups from which their fucked-up version of "christianity" is based.
Hitler used Christianity to fuck with gullible people too, and this is exactly a case of history repeating itself - once again, at the expense of good, decent, REAL Christians. It's practically Adolf Hitler all over again (although it hasn't reached the point of Auschwitz.....yet).
Don't believe me? Check out one of their so-called "christian" heroes: Star Parker, who recently said "christians" want to "quarantine the sodomites" (via Max Blumenthal at a "values voters" klan meeting late last year).
This fucked-up remark is coming from a nasty bitch who's a "former crackhead", had more abortions than all the teenage girls in this country on Prom Night combined, and whose vaginal lips are so used up, they'd likely drag the ground like a fucking wedding veil, if it wasn't for panties.
Right, Star Parker has the "moral authority" to threaten gay people like that. What a serene little angel she is. I'll bet she's hiding her crack pipe somewhere in that twisted halo over her head. Somebody needs to quarantine HER, and her fucked-up crackhead psychosis. I'm for real, the crazy bitch is like a female Tyrone Biggums.
These people are just fucking nuts, and it's sometimes fun to fuck with the creepy zombies.
Anyway, I needs to git for now - I haven't been posting all that much lately, so hopefully I made up for it today LOL. Here's the YouTube clip from which the funny back-and-forth earlier started from:
But there's always the rare exception though, when I'm in the mood to get into some fuckery. This one just had too much potential kookery to refuse and leave alone.....
Here's my original comment on a YouTube clip of pentecostals speaking in tongues (which kinda freaked me out, by the way - and I HAD to give my 2 cents):
"If somebody starts speaking in tongues around me, I look at them like they're crazy.....because they are."
And then I get the following reply this morning, from an obvious "kool-aid" drinker:
"You need Jesus!!!"
You know I just couldn't pass this crazy shit up, and I hads to stir it:
"Uh, no. However I DO need Jesús, because he's pretty hot.
Like the tongue-speakers, you need to keep your snake-handling cult hands off me. Go roll around on the floor, kicking and screaming "being slain in the spirit", or something."
Next, he gets all high & mighty with the bitch of this here journal:
"Jesus is the Answer me freind Go and Seek Him!!! And Stop Your Nonsense!!! I have no time to Argue with IGnorance"
Why not? I'm having a fun time arguing with YOUR ignorance ;) Better than TV!
"Now you know how the entire country feels about you guys. Sorry to hear people are fleeing from you and your kookery like wildfire. I'm one of them, don't hold your breath on me coming back. You guys are too fucked up for me (and any sane person for that matter)."
It's obvious this is one of those nuts with a "God complex" - kinda like our current president, Sir Chimp-A-Lot.
"It dont matters what the Country thinks about the Body of Christ is what the Lord thinks!!! And I dont really concern if You want to stay out because it is about your own choice: it is u who will answer to Jesus on the DAy of Judgement Not me!! And Only Jesus can Solve your Problem Me brother!!! THOSE PEOPLE WHO REFUSE GOD WILL HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD!!!"
At this point, it gets too nutty, even for me. The typos, the "all-caps" hollering. Wanna bet his psycho eyes were rolling into the back of his head while he was typing? It was good fun getting his holy-rolling self all kooked up though.
And for his information, the country doesn't have a problem with the "body of Christ". The problem is with his nutty bunch of followers and abusers of The Bible, also known as modern-day pharisees. "Christian" kooks, to be exact - and FAR from anything having to do with the "body of Christ".
It's true that I was raised Christian/Southern Baptist, but have been agnostic for over a decade - and I'm quite happy that way. Besides, church is boring - I'd rather sleep in on Sundays, and to hell with whatever The Bible thinks about that.
Plus it's my opinion that church is nothing more than a political house of hatred (especially in this day and age); a gossipy hen-house of closeted homosexuals with nazi intentions for openly gay people, swindlers and crooks, guilty adulterers, pedophiles, and miserable women who needs to put some dick in their lives.
It's also true that I own a copy of The Bible, given to me from my late aunt Gina (held onto for sentimental reasons, more than anything - since she signed a note inside of the cover, to me). That book is stored away somewhere, along with stuff I haven't looked at since probably high school. Any other bibles that makes its way into this house is to become future rolling papers, and nothing else.
One thing I want to make clear is I have absolutely no problems with Christianity, religion in general, nor that nappy-haired hippie named Jesus. If these things brings you contentment, gives you hope or inspiration, or makes your life more livable, then more power to you. For me, it's useless - just like Kevin Federline's "rapping" talent. I've got better extracurricular activities to be enjoying in this short life.
The PROBLEM is the "christian" (in name only) nutballs using The Bible and Christianity to control, intimidate, bully, harm, kill, degrade, and otherwise fuck with people. They've hijacked the church, chasing off the REAL Christians, and anyone else who believes homeless and less fortunate people/families/single mothers with no food, and other important issues in this country is more of a priority than what homosexuals do in their own bedrooms.
What's more, is these kooks yap the tired "hate the sin, love the sinner" line, yet they bully the Christians who are friendly to gays or accepts a gay person in their family, by informing them that "they aren't real Christians" - all because they aren't mistreating and acting holier-than-thou towards the gay person.
As much as I like the REAL Christians out there, they don't have the balls to stand up to these kooks and say "what fucking bible are YOU reading from, anyway?", and send them off to start their own nazi groups from which their fucked-up version of "christianity" is based.
Hitler used Christianity to fuck with gullible people too, and this is exactly a case of history repeating itself - once again, at the expense of good, decent, REAL Christians. It's practically Adolf Hitler all over again (although it hasn't reached the point of Auschwitz.....yet).
Don't believe me? Check out one of their so-called "christian" heroes: Star Parker, who recently said "christians" want to "quarantine the sodomites" (via Max Blumenthal at a "values voters" klan meeting late last year).
This fucked-up remark is coming from a nasty bitch who's a "former crackhead", had more abortions than all the teenage girls in this country on Prom Night combined, and whose vaginal lips are so used up, they'd likely drag the ground like a fucking wedding veil, if it wasn't for panties.
Right, Star Parker has the "moral authority" to threaten gay people like that. What a serene little angel she is. I'll bet she's hiding her crack pipe somewhere in that twisted halo over her head. Somebody needs to quarantine HER, and her fucked-up crackhead psychosis. I'm for real, the crazy bitch is like a female Tyrone Biggums.
These people are just fucking nuts, and it's sometimes fun to fuck with the creepy zombies.
Anyway, I needs to git for now - I haven't been posting all that much lately, so hopefully I made up for it today LOL. Here's the YouTube clip from which the funny back-and-forth earlier started from:
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Pentecostal Zombies Trilogy
A favorite of mine that I wanted to reprint is the "Pentecostal Zombies" trilogy; three short true stories of my dealing with pentecostal folks over the years:
PART I: "Pentecostal Zombies"
We all make mistakes, and one of mine was attending a private "christian/southern baptist" affiliated college upon high school graduation. It wasn't all bad, but the loons I encountered there will provide some nice story material in the future.
Although the school was supposed to be "baptist", the biggest religious influence in town (I later found out AFTER becoming a student) was "pentecostal". And with a fair percent of students being local commuters and pentecostal, you were sure to see lots of new students being sucked into that hogwash.
Even the manager/franchise owner at the part-time job I got in town was a pentecostal - and she was converting employees, one person at a time. One week, an assistant manager was a pretty cool person and had somewhat of a filthy mouth. The next week, she was speaking in tongues and loosely quoting the bible. Another assistant manager got transformed as well. The crazy bitch couldn't sink her talons into me, therefore, I was the spawn of Satan. Hiss!
Towards the later part of my second year at the school, I "came out"; first, to my best female friend/first friend I made before we became students (at a high school statewide event), Tanya. Of course she was accepting and nothing changed about our friendship.....
until one night when she returned to campus with Sara, another female friend of ours. They had been on a church visit - with "one of them".
The next day, both girls had dramatically changed everything about themselves. They stopped smoking cold turkey, and drinking, because it "destroyed your temple" they said. They no longer dressed casual - both would be wearing long dresses, and their hair was put up in a "bun" - which by the way, looks ridiculous on any woman. Although they were never particularly hateful towards me personally, they did ramble on with the tired "hate the sin, love the sinner" thing. It was a weird sight for the rest of our group of friends, as if Tanya and Sara had been bitten by a pentecostal zombie or something.
This went on for at least a week or so. "Love the sinner, hate the sin", "sha-la-ba-za-ca-la-ba" and all that other stupid speaking in tongues bullshit.
At one point, I thought the girls were playing a prank or something. It was just too ridiculous to be true.
Then magically, as if some secular fairy flown through the window and sprinkled "get some fucking sense" dust on them overnight, they were back to their old selves again. I welcomed my fag hag back with a cigarette, and we partied all night long.
The end.
PART II: "Pentecostal Zombies Part II"
Almost a year after that fiasco with my friends and their "pentecostal" phase, I had visited my former college town to visit Tanya, who decided to continue at this school.
Once again, she had been bitten by the pentecostal zombies, and this time, it was good old-fashioned congregation acting that reeled her in. She told me an older lady at the pentecostal church she was brought to had approached her and made some psychic prediction that Tanya seemed "lost", and needed to make friends with (their twisted version of) JC.
Tanya invited me to her new church that evening, and since we had got ahold of some pretty good weed, I thought I could use the entertainment. The church was a nice little drive from the main part of the college town, and was located by itself along the highway.
And side note: this time around, my friend remained secular, still partied and everything, although she attended this pentecostal church. Maybe the reasons she enjoyed going was because of what I was about to see with my very own eyes.
As everyone was socializing before service began, I noticed a couple familiar faces - my former manager, and one of the zombified converted assistant managers. A handful of college students and other people I recognized were there as well.
Unlike any church I had ever been to, this place had a rock band up front, complete with drums, bass and guitar, piano, and the whole shabang. In addition to standard hymns, several of the songs were up-tempo rock ditties.
If the music wasn't entertaining enough, the 1-armed preacher bumbled around to the music onstage. Two preteen girls in front of Tanya, her room-mate and I were doing the "butterfly", which was a popular urban dance at the time. So we didn't look conspicuous, our little trio joined in and bounced along with the congregation - like I was going to take a chance on being addressed or called out by that insane loud-ass preacher! It was bad enough we were in the back row, with me certainly looking suspicious and "new".
At some points, it got too weird for me. Some people were crawling up to the front stage and freaking out, some were shouting and shrieking, and a few were making weird retarded movements while they were walk-running through the aisles between pews, and talking jibberish.
After three'ish hours of this, we hads to go. They were still going apeshit to their music as we quickly slinked out the door.
Never.Again.
PART III: "Right Nextdoor To Hell"
I was exposed to pentecostal zombies from day 1, as my original childhood/teen years neighbor in my longtime neighborhood was a kooky pentecostal lady named Marcy. She was always acting like she was medicated, and it wouldn't surprise me if she was. The rest of the family were pretty decent folks, and the son and daughter socialized with the rest of the neighborhood kids.
As I said in the last post, women can be gossipy bitches too, and my own mom got busted for running that gator of hers, when she noticed Marcy's huge weird blue and white "Miracle Whip" brand logo umbrella she was using for sunbathing (her husband was a grocery manager in town, so I assume that's where she got it; free tacky perk, or something like that). Mom poked fun at the umbrella to our neighbor on the other side of Marcy, and of course that no-BS woman repeated to Marcy what she said. Needless to say, she wasn't amused, but I thought it was fucking hilarious.
When I was a teenager, Marcy became creepier with age, and because I was the typical 90's teen into rock music and wearing t-shirts of my favorite groups, the nutty lady branded me a "Satan worshiper", and "a Satanist". She also based this on the fact I had slightly long hair at the time - so I wonder if that makes JC himself a "Satanist" too, because he looked like some long-haired hippie to me!
While my parents were away one weekend night, my younger kid brother and I noticed Marcy outdoors in her above-ground pool, and decided to play a little prank on her, and fuck with her mind. If she thinks I'm a "Satanist", dammit, I'm gonna give her "Satanist".
We opened the windows on that side of the house, played the KISS Destroyer album with the volume turned up real loud, and began flipping the lights on-and-off repeatedly in those rooms while screaming like banshees and ghosts. I can imagine Marcy's eyes probably fell out of their sockets, because she quickly jumped out of the pool, wrapped up in a towel, grabbed her shit, and took off like a thief in the night towards the back door, and slammed it shut.
We had some good times returning the harassing Marcy always gave us as kids. If you deal with fundies bugging you, try it sometime - it's fun!
PART I: "Pentecostal Zombies"
We all make mistakes, and one of mine was attending a private "christian/southern baptist" affiliated college upon high school graduation. It wasn't all bad, but the loons I encountered there will provide some nice story material in the future.
Although the school was supposed to be "baptist", the biggest religious influence in town (I later found out AFTER becoming a student) was "pentecostal". And with a fair percent of students being local commuters and pentecostal, you were sure to see lots of new students being sucked into that hogwash.
Even the manager/franchise owner at the part-time job I got in town was a pentecostal - and she was converting employees, one person at a time. One week, an assistant manager was a pretty cool person and had somewhat of a filthy mouth. The next week, she was speaking in tongues and loosely quoting the bible. Another assistant manager got transformed as well. The crazy bitch couldn't sink her talons into me, therefore, I was the spawn of Satan. Hiss!
Towards the later part of my second year at the school, I "came out"; first, to my best female friend/first friend I made before we became students (at a high school statewide event), Tanya. Of course she was accepting and nothing changed about our friendship.....
until one night when she returned to campus with Sara, another female friend of ours. They had been on a church visit - with "one of them".
The next day, both girls had dramatically changed everything about themselves. They stopped smoking cold turkey, and drinking, because it "destroyed your temple" they said. They no longer dressed casual - both would be wearing long dresses, and their hair was put up in a "bun" - which by the way, looks ridiculous on any woman. Although they were never particularly hateful towards me personally, they did ramble on with the tired "hate the sin, love the sinner" thing. It was a weird sight for the rest of our group of friends, as if Tanya and Sara had been bitten by a pentecostal zombie or something.
This went on for at least a week or so. "Love the sinner, hate the sin", "sha-la-ba-za-ca-la-ba" and all that other stupid speaking in tongues bullshit.
At one point, I thought the girls were playing a prank or something. It was just too ridiculous to be true.
Then magically, as if some secular fairy flown through the window and sprinkled "get some fucking sense" dust on them overnight, they were back to their old selves again. I welcomed my fag hag back with a cigarette, and we partied all night long.
The end.
PART II: "Pentecostal Zombies Part II"
Almost a year after that fiasco with my friends and their "pentecostal" phase, I had visited my former college town to visit Tanya, who decided to continue at this school.
Once again, she had been bitten by the pentecostal zombies, and this time, it was good old-fashioned congregation acting that reeled her in. She told me an older lady at the pentecostal church she was brought to had approached her and made some psychic prediction that Tanya seemed "lost", and needed to make friends with (their twisted version of) JC.
Tanya invited me to her new church that evening, and since we had got ahold of some pretty good weed, I thought I could use the entertainment. The church was a nice little drive from the main part of the college town, and was located by itself along the highway.
And side note: this time around, my friend remained secular, still partied and everything, although she attended this pentecostal church. Maybe the reasons she enjoyed going was because of what I was about to see with my very own eyes.
As everyone was socializing before service began, I noticed a couple familiar faces - my former manager, and one of the zombified converted assistant managers. A handful of college students and other people I recognized were there as well.
Unlike any church I had ever been to, this place had a rock band up front, complete with drums, bass and guitar, piano, and the whole shabang. In addition to standard hymns, several of the songs were up-tempo rock ditties.
If the music wasn't entertaining enough, the 1-armed preacher bumbled around to the music onstage. Two preteen girls in front of Tanya, her room-mate and I were doing the "butterfly", which was a popular urban dance at the time. So we didn't look conspicuous, our little trio joined in and bounced along with the congregation - like I was going to take a chance on being addressed or called out by that insane loud-ass preacher! It was bad enough we were in the back row, with me certainly looking suspicious and "new".
At some points, it got too weird for me. Some people were crawling up to the front stage and freaking out, some were shouting and shrieking, and a few were making weird retarded movements while they were walk-running through the aisles between pews, and talking jibberish.
After three'ish hours of this, we hads to go. They were still going apeshit to their music as we quickly slinked out the door.
Never.Again.
PART III: "Right Nextdoor To Hell"
I was exposed to pentecostal zombies from day 1, as my original childhood/teen years neighbor in my longtime neighborhood was a kooky pentecostal lady named Marcy. She was always acting like she was medicated, and it wouldn't surprise me if she was. The rest of the family were pretty decent folks, and the son and daughter socialized with the rest of the neighborhood kids.
As I said in the last post, women can be gossipy bitches too, and my own mom got busted for running that gator of hers, when she noticed Marcy's huge weird blue and white "Miracle Whip" brand logo umbrella she was using for sunbathing (her husband was a grocery manager in town, so I assume that's where she got it; free tacky perk, or something like that). Mom poked fun at the umbrella to our neighbor on the other side of Marcy, and of course that no-BS woman repeated to Marcy what she said. Needless to say, she wasn't amused, but I thought it was fucking hilarious.
When I was a teenager, Marcy became creepier with age, and because I was the typical 90's teen into rock music and wearing t-shirts of my favorite groups, the nutty lady branded me a "Satan worshiper", and "a Satanist". She also based this on the fact I had slightly long hair at the time - so I wonder if that makes JC himself a "Satanist" too, because he looked like some long-haired hippie to me!
While my parents were away one weekend night, my younger kid brother and I noticed Marcy outdoors in her above-ground pool, and decided to play a little prank on her, and fuck with her mind. If she thinks I'm a "Satanist", dammit, I'm gonna give her "Satanist".
We opened the windows on that side of the house, played the KISS Destroyer album with the volume turned up real loud, and began flipping the lights on-and-off repeatedly in those rooms while screaming like banshees and ghosts. I can imagine Marcy's eyes probably fell out of their sockets, because she quickly jumped out of the pool, wrapped up in a towel, grabbed her shit, and took off like a thief in the night towards the back door, and slammed it shut.
We had some good times returning the harassing Marcy always gave us as kids. If you deal with fundies bugging you, try it sometime - it's fun!
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