Thursday, November 22, 2007

Falwell Blast From The Past (GLB May 2007)

Three hilarious blasts from the past.....

Part I: Falwell's Dead:

As you've probably heard by now, Jerry Falwell has kicked the bucket.

React to it how you will.


It's hard for me to gather sympathy for a person who's profited off demonizing homosexuals. He's responsible for deaths, job firings, gay bashings, ruining family relationships with gay family members, bigotry, and much more.

And I'm surprised Fred Phelps and his klan at Westboro hasn't jumped on this news yet. You'd think they'd be throwing a holy ghost mardi gras over there in Topeka right about now. Maybe they're too busy dancing and speaking in tongues to type anything at the moment. But you can bet they'll be hauling ass to his funeral, picket signs and all.

PART II: Falwell's Message From Beyond The Grave:

Subject: FW: Falwell's Message From Hell

Hey Scott,

Thought I'd share this email I received from that fool Jerry Falwell this morning. Pass it on!

"Prince Of Darkness"


Dear World,

It's been a few hours since I've arrived in hell, after quickly being rejected from entering the pearly gates.

How can I describe the place?

Well, for starters, the only thing that plays on TV is back-to-back episodes of The Wonder Years, Full House, and that lip-synching show Puttin' On The Hits, from the 80's. Occasionally, we'll get a treat episode of Sister, Sister or Moesha. So be sure to tell Beverly LaHaye to get her fill of Desperate Housewives while she's still alive, because she won't be drooling over Jesse Metcalfe's bare ass when she gets down here.

None of my favorite foods are on the menu in hell. There's no triple-batter-dipped deep fried onion rings, no deep-fried Coca-Cola, no all-you-can-eat pizza buffets, no booze, nothing. Just brussells sprouts. Please warn Bill Donahue to upgrade from a fork to a shovel, and get it while the getting's good before he dies.

In the "ex-gay" wing of hell, there is only heterosexual porn available. In other words, Alan Chambers, Peter "Porno Pete" LaBarbera, Randy Thomas and Matt Sanchez will go berzerk once they get here.

Gay republicans are automatically sent to have their mouths sewn shut upon arriving in hell: for one, nobody wants to hear them to begin with; and two, to keep them from sucking dick, since they hate gay sex so much. The Log Cabin Republicans are the pariahs of hell, and are subject to the beatings they encouraged onto non-republican gays while they were alive.

Hell is an awful place for the likes of myself, but I'm not all alone, and that's good. Jim West of Spokane is my new boyfriend, but Satan won't allow us to get married! That's discrimination!

There's so much more to tell, and so much free time ahead in hell. I'll be keeping in touch with everyone!

Jerry Falwell

Part III: "Farewell Falwell" Party, Anyone?

Is anyone planning on having a party this weekend, to celebrate Falwell's journey to hell?

If the weather is nice, why not fire up the barbecue and have the friends over for a "No More Falwell" party.

In remembrance of that sorry sack of shit Jerry Fallwell, why not play some fun games to ring in the rest of life as you know it without that fat hog!

Here's some ideas that'll keep the laughs going.....

A classic protest game: tear and burn photo's of Jerry Falwell. Simple enough.

Always a favorite of Falwell's. Deep-fry everything in sight, and the person who eats the most greased-up food without vomiting wins a free bible. You may have to get yourself a new Frydaddy after this contest though, as it'll get quite the workout.

Contestants must strap on 800 pounds of sand bags (to simulate Falwell's size), dress up in their Sunday finest, and line up in front of the house in which the party is going on. When the whistle blows, contestants must run as fast as they can, bible in hand, to the nearest courthouse, screaming "GOD HATES NEGROES!", "STOP INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE!", "SEGREGATE BLACKS!", "BI-RACIAL BABIES ARE HELLSPAWN!", "NO MIXING SALT AND PEPPER!", and other quotes from Falwell's early days (which his goons tried to sweep under the rug in recent years). Extra points are awarded to those who are genuinely panting, losing their breath, and sputtering - just like Falwell after walking just a few feet across the room when he was alive. The first one to make it to the courthouse (or the last one to pass out on the way there) wins.

A heartwarming "christian" favorite that brings the family together (and proves who's REALLY straight and who's not). Split everyone into two teams, and begin shouting compassionate "christian" knowledge about gays back and forth, such as "Gays are going to hell!", "Homosexuals must be executed, by the glory of God!", "All gays do crystal meth!", or simply name off any weird and obscure sex act that only Peter LaBarbera researches and informs everyone that gays allegedly do. If you run out of things to say about homosexuals, just start making shit up. "Christians" do! The team who can think up of the most vile things to say about gays are totally heterosexual (right).

Sounds like good fun to me!

So get on the phone and make some arrangements for this weekend! Have fun!

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